Recovery

I read somewhere that the sooner you recover from a letdown, a setback, or a loss, the more likely you are to gain strength and look back at the vent without feeling defeated. 

This all makes sense to me with one problem. What happens when you recover in an astronomical amount of short time? That's the case for me. Whenever I encounter a setback, I never give it enough time to sink in or to feel when I'm already solving it, or completely recovered from it. Being this way scares the shit out of me sometimes bc in pyschologoy you are taught that "these" events are a response to you suppressing your emotions if you do not face them. We all know that what goes in, must come out. 

Although I don't feel surpressed, I have great relationships, express myself well, meditate regularly, trust in God & pray frequently, my life is peaceful daily & I laugh & exercise everyday. I think I'll be ok. But I'll be frank, I still feel a little scare that one day the negative parts that have taken place in my life, will one day creep up on me. 

Often I say "that God has blessed me with some many postive things that when a negeitive thing happens, I quickly override it." 

This thinking & living, I pray will get me through daily living. Oh!! And I never forget to have a heart of gratitude. 

❤️ Margie 

Spoken Words

If anyone has ever been to a Spoken Words stage performance, you know it's deep, graphic, and creative. Each poetic brings their own twist to a magnificent story that is being told from ones own prospective. I've done a show before and proclaimed to do it again but haven't found the time (or bravery) to do so. But! This is one small piece I recently wrote while I was sitting in a hallway waiting for my friend to get home. Enjoy! 

Being with him revealed the most darkest shadows of my life. He turn me into a thing; not even human, but a living organism that no one could identify. Not even me. He pulled out all my strong forces then took me by my bare skin and stripped me apart. All there was left of me was human flesh. And a heart that was unrecognizable. Doctors, nurses, they all ask, "what is that?" He took me by the hand and walked me in a circle that had no ending and no beginning; he made me question who I am and I believed him. He allowed me to bring out the best in him while I sat back and pretended I was doing it for us. He was nothing to no one and everyone told me, yet I believed him bc I thought I could change him. While in changing him, I changed who I was and lost my path, for believing I had it all under control. My inner voice told me to go, to put my trust in me. I did. I tried! Every time I walked out that door on my attempt to say good bye, I meant it; I felt it, it was fucking real. But some how, I ended back on that hallway, alone, sitting on a dirty carpet wondering "how did I get back here?" Trying to recollect the past years of my life, I realized, "I am here bc I am a fool. Bc I fed into my impulses and believed the devil that is behind this deep darkness. I am here bc I have been weaken, again by the hairy monster that prides himself on phoniness, omission, facades, and lies. I am here bc I didn't listen to myself or some how seem to have forgotten that all I've done since the day I put eyes on that man was suffer and watch myself wither away to place I can't escape. I've drowned myself in believing this was love. People say love hurt, but this wasn't pain. This was a deep look into the other side. The side we often refer to as hell. Yeah, this was fucking hell. And I stupidly sat on the passenger side. Allowing this fool to drive. How, I ask? What ever have come of me? I say this is my last time, but I've said that before. I want to fucking mean it already. When does the last time really become the last time? Bc he told me he loved me and I believed him. The fool is I, not him. This is no longer his problem. But mine.

Finally :)

I think I finally reached my plato. After months of seeing everything come together, I am finally here in a stable place with vertically no room for error. As a single mom, full time student and a demanding job, I thought I'd never get to a place in my life where balance was no issue, success is flowing, school is on track and everyone is happy. Finally I'm in that place! 

A few months ago I'd wake up thinking, "I'll make it through this day, just do what I did yesterday and try to see if you can do it better." As the day went by, I just got by. Now I wake and say, "getting by wasn't so bad after all bc it got me to where I wanted to go." Although I couldn't see it, I was evolving into my life's creation. 

Everyday I wake up I am thankful. Thankful to God as I am thankful to myself bc we did not give up. This tells me perseverance pays off and we need to keep pushing through. 

Margie ❤

Been A While

Although its only been a little over a month, feels much longer since I posted something on my blog. 

Lets see... Since my last post lots has happen in my life & around the world. Bc I live in Boston, it's my duty to point out our latest headlines. Patriots "once upon a time" Tight end Mr Aaron Hernandez. I think some ladies would agree when I say,  it's a damn shame to watch a man that sexy go to waste! Not only did he waste his gifted talent but he's youth and his good looks. 

Segue to something my yoga instructor said today "years ago a man who sat and read the entire New York Times consumed enough knowledge to last him a year. Today we take in the same amount of information through technology, work, family, shopping etc in one day. It is no wonder more people today suffer from anxiety more than ever." Now that wasn't what he said that caught my attention. It was when he said "we are made today the same way we where hundreds of years ago. Our bodies have not changed. So why did we?" I firmly believe there's a piece in all of us that knows who we truly are but bc we look around and see how much easier it is to stick to the trend, we follow along like zombies. Luckily there are a few who aren't followers nor pretend to be leader but are simply connected to themselves. Those are the ones leading the way for the future - for all those who know what's inside but can't reach it. Remember, the two most important days of our lives is the day we where born and the day we discover who we are. Rewind back, Hernandez is a product of what he knows whether he is found guilty or innocent, a leading thug is what he'll always be. 

Margie ❤

Lying

I don't know about most people but I forget when people lie to me. Most of the time I don't even address it bc it's so trivial. But after being with someone who only told lies (pathological) now I feel I have to keep track of the lies I'm told. Most importantly from new people I meet. Is different with kids - especially teens bc 9 out of 10 times when their mouth is moving they're lying. Those are your kids though. You can easily (with a great deal of psychological manipulation bc they always omit a few things) control those situations bc your the parent. But when it comes to dealing with grown people most importantly when you're dating, one small lie makes you (me more now) think/feel like your whole future with that person can turn into a lie; live a lie then one day 3 years later wake up to learn its all been a lie.  Now you've spent 3 years that you'll never get back living a lie. Even worst, you saw the sings from the beginning but decided "oh that's not a big deal. It's a small lie, maybe he/she wasn't comfortable or ready to tell me yet!" Ha!! Yeah until that becomes the situation you live with and that person is never "ready" to tell you. At that point your caught up and in love so you'll probably just makes excuses for them. 

After being with someone that I fall in love with (hard) then slowly but surely (and lucky for only a year but a year too long) discovering how far fetch his life was compared to the life he was portraying, my demeanor is somber still but my vision and ears are piercing. I'm calculated now. No more will lies be considered "small." A lie is a lie -- my  approach is, bring it up. If they're not ready, give it a few more days/dates/conversations whatever y'all are doing and bring it up again. If they refuse to discus it again, they have something to hide and your approach needs to be more of a demand. You don't know what he/she is truly all about and the last thing you want is to get caught up. My ex (the one I fall hard for) I found out dude was a pimp. Yet he is a Harvard student and a Entrepreneur. Surprise! And let me add, I'm quick on my feet and have loads of common sense. I observed very closely but there where so many lies compacted together sometimes I didn't know which lie to address first. Hence my Ex! ;) 

With that said, jot down those lies you definitely know are lies (especially if you can prove them) and wait a bit. If you have more then one thus far, play your cards right - get the truth or start reconsidering bc no lie is big or small but it will be when it becomes the life you live. 

 TheTruthHurtsButLetMeChooseHowIDealWithMyPain!! 

A few words for the soul

These are a few of the messages delivered at church today. These spoke deeply to me and I am happy to pass it along. With the hope that it will speak to others. 

----Move Forward----

1⃣Forget past mistakes

2⃣Finish what you started 

3⃣Follow through with what you have always been taught 

----Mature Faith----

🔸Careful who you listen to

🔸Bc of spiritual confusion people are listening to what the world has to say

🔸Times change, God does not

----Top 10 Fears----

1⃣Failure

2⃣Success 

3⃣Rejection

4⃣People

5⃣Sickness

6⃣Finances 

7⃣Lost of love 

8⃣Future 

9⃣Aging

10 Death 

We could be walking in faith, yet have fear. Eventually one will beat the other. Choose how and who you walk with. Bc fear will weaken you; fear will cause you to forget what good God has already done in you. 

KeepTheFaith. 

Old Pictures

Looking back at old pictures of my kids. I get a yearning feeling to reach into the computer keel down on my knees look into my daughter eyes and tell her "I've seen the future baby and its not all fun and games. It's a tough world out there and there so much pain. Let me hold you forever and pray you never grow." 

Motherhood is not easy. Raising a young girl and preparing her for the world is the biggest most difficult job any woman will face. Sometimes I wish I could turn back times and turn my 16 year old back to my little 7 year old who had no knowledge of pain and difficulties. 

Don't rush your kids; allow them to take their time, watch them grow slowly bc one day, they'll be grown and won't remember those moments when they called you "Mommy" and came running to you with every need/want and desire. 

I see people who are just getting started with their families and think to myself how much they have to learn. Mine are 16 and 9. Luckily I have a 9 year old and I tell you, everyday I look into his eye, his cute little face and thank God that his still little and I get to hold him in my arms. Bc the day will come where he too will drift away. 

A Mothers Desire to Withhold the Growth of Her Children. ♥♥